Website Updates

I went to our annual family reunion today (Saturday)…I only found out it was today yesterday (Friday night). My brother told me about it last night, and I didn’t go last year so I thought I’d go this year. It’s my mom’s side of the family. My mother died in 2006, so I wasn’t really looking forward to it. The truth is I don’t know many of these people all that well, and most of them I have no idea who they are at all. I don’t like meeting new people, nor do most people who have social anxiety…hence the term “social” in there.

Actually, I take it back- I pretty much despise meeting new people or being in new situations. It’s normal for most people not to like to do new things, because…well, because doing new things is usually scary for most of us. I don’t dislike it, I hate it with a passion. I disdain it. I hope the idea of meeting new people goes out of fashion, and the world decides to never do it…we go back to living in small clans in caves, never having to run into other people again. Okay,that’s hyperbole, but let’s just say I hate it. Part of me hates it. Part of me wants to meet all sorts of new people, but feel comfortable doing it, and feel anxiety-free while and after I do it. Part me feels as if meeting new people is awesome, and feeling anxious about it creates a disconnect…I feel as if I can’t connect with all that many people. That is just plain lonely. It’s a weird feeling of looking in on life from the outside, as if everyone around you has created a circle together, but there’s no room in that circle for you.

Anyway…I did go, and I talked to some of the people there. I talked about a bunch of nothing. Which is another problem I think I have, and I think a lot of people often have. What do you talk about? Especially with people you don’t know. You can ask them about their jobs, how they’re doing, the basic generic stuff, but those items only last so long. After you exhaust those little niceties, there’s not much left a lot of the time.

Truth be told- today wasn’t all that bad. It wasn’t anxiety-inducing, it wasn’t terrifying, it wasn’t even really scary at all. When I sit somewhere, and I feel I’m not participating enough, my brain goes into overdrive- wondering if people are thinking that I’m not participating enough, whether I’m somehow arrogant as to not talk a lot to them, whether I’m a snob who acts like I’m too good for them. I can’t help but automatically analyze and overanalyze my own actions as compared to those around me and my actions as others seem them. So, I try to counteract any misconceptions people might be creating about me…I want them to know that I am not a snob, that I don’t think I’m on some higher plane than they are, and that I’m just as friendly as they are.

It probably sounds horrible from what I’ve written so far, but I will repeat- it wasn’t all that bad at all today. I talked to a few aunts I haven’t seen in over a year, I talked to the husband of an aunt and felt really mano a mano (yes, I felt ‘hand to hand’) with him. I purposely went out of my way to shake the hand of an uncle I barely know (at least I think he’s an uncle?) The main reason I went to begin with was to experience something that wasn’t all that comfortable in the hopes of these things being more comfortable in the future, and for needed practice/experience in general, which could always help in the future.

Fairly boring time overall, not much talking going on, and the talking that was going on was stuff I had no idea about. People I didn’t know talking about other people I didn’t know. The food was okay, it’s been better in the past- those gross hamburger patties that are nearly burnt to a crisp when they’re finally taken off the grill. Hot dogs the width of a baseball bat- that was quite odd. Fried chicken, tho I’ve never liked fried chicken, as it’s always full of fatty spots, big black and brown spots (chicken bruising???! tumors?!) Could have been better, but I won’t complain too much, as it was free which is always nice, and I didn’t have to bring anything myself which was good.

It was hot hades, I’ll say that much. It was probably 95 at some point, direct sunlight in most areas in the park (we had it at a local park that holds the park for the local baseball team, the Evansville Otters). The humidity must have been high today too, so that made it rather uncomfortable. On my way home (after sitting there for about 4 hours), I stopped by McDonald’s to get a large powerade (no ice)…I drank it in a matter of minutes. I came home, turned on the AC, sat down, and watched TV. Spent the rest of the day doing pretty much nothing. Watched some TV, talked to a couple of people online at justin.tv (webcam site), read a little, caught up on some current events news, that sort of thing. And now I’m here.

Finally, I’ve been “blogging” for over 6 years now. I started blogging on my old AOL website. I canceled AOL when I got broadband in 2001. I used to “blog” but in EMail form. I’d basically post as I do now about current events, but instead of putting them on a webpage, I’d mass EMail them to a list of friends. I started that and, I’d guess it was 1999. I started posting blogs to my AOL website, and after that my geocities and angelfire websites around 2001…probably the end of 2001. I created this domain name and got the hosting in 2002.

I’ve basically been doing this a long time. 8 or 9 years in some form, 6 years in July on thebluesite.com I was looking back through my website at old entries. Like stuff from 2002 and 2003. Things have changed considerably. Before, I was more personal, posted about my life, the private stuff that was going on. I tend not to do that so much now. Privacy is one concern, especially considering that I choose to use my full (and real) name here. I use my full name on most websites now, as I usually link those back to this website where I use my full name, so there’s very little use in hiding anymore. I didn’t feel totally comfortable with that in the past, but I guess I’m cool with it now. No big deal. If someone wanted to find you, and you didn’t use your name, and probably wouldn’t even be all that hard then either, so what the hell.

Here are a couple of old entries. They’re from the days when I used Movable Type for my website (I use WordPress now), so some elements of the theme were lost…which means the text and page background are very similar in color. I will surely fix these archives one day, but that’s a lot of work and a daunting task.

20 FUN FACTS ABOUT JOSH (from March 25, 2003)

This second one is from May 22, 2003. I discuss random thoughts going through my head, watching the series finale of the wonderful CBS series, Hack, nearly spraining my ankle, wanting new shoes, missing my ex-gf, and on and on. I reread it a bit ago, and how disturbing- John Wayne Gacy was arrested on the day I was born (December 21, 1978) according to a video I mention in the post…Wikipedia shows Dec 22, 1978.

Well, I guess I’m off for the night. Going to watch F/X (tell me that movie isn’t the greatest).